Why I am a sub

Throughout my life, even as a girl, I have loved being dominated. Sexually by boys and men, in day to day life by teachers and line managers who were firm but fair.

However, for me the term, ‘submissive’ meant a pushover, someone who was weak and couldn’t hold their own. This definitely isn’t me, so I never considered myself to be ‘submissive’.

About 5 years ago I saw the film Secretary. Secretary is a dark, romantic love story about a girl called Lee Holloway and her boss, E. Edward Grey, who over the course of the film develop and explore a dominant / submissive (or D/s) relationship. I so related to the Lee Holloway character that it was life changing to see this played out on screen.

There is a scene towards the end of the film where Lee has been told to sit at a desk with her hands on the desk. Which she does. For days. I was riveted to the screen during this – this is me. This is what I need. I want to be given orders. Especially strange and pointless ones. I want to show my love for someone through service and subservience. Oh. Yes.

I watched this film again a few months ago, after I had started my SH journey. It is all the more poignant for me now. I now understand ownership, submission, dominance – and how these things have nothing to do with me as a person in the world. I can still be strong and effective, a powerful person, while in my private life I love nothing more than making the tea with my hands in a spreader bar.

Why do I want this? Why is this my kink? Because in my life I am responsible for every fucking thing. From the oil in the car to the oil in the frying pan, child care, cleaning, bills, plus charity work – everything is on my shoulders. And I think I am a bit crap at most things – parenting included. Being sub takes responsibility away. It puts someone else in charge for a few hours. Also, I enjoy a good spanking. I atone my sins through spanking and other physical pain. It helps me to forgive myself for spending too much money or neglecting my son or whatever other pile of guilt I am slogging around.

It’s a mistake to think D/s is just about spankings and bondage. These are delicious facets of the D/s world but not at all the entire story. For me most of it is about service. I serve my master. Whether this is giving head or making coffee or ironing or getting his breakfast at the hotel – all of these things give me huge pleasure in my sub role. I love being immobilised and I love being a fucktoy*. This goes back to the elimination of responsibility aspect.

What D/s isn’t is about is brute force by the dominant partner (unless it’s been decided this is what you both need.) For every sub there will be commonalities to other subs and there will be specific differences. There are no set rules – you and your partner must communicate to work out the boundaries and context of your relationship.

 

* For me ‘fucktoy’ means being used by Stewart as a sexual object. This gives me incredible pleasure.

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