I write a lot about what life was like for me before I began my sexual revolution earlier this year. One thing I haven’t yet mentioned is how disconnected from my body I’d become.
I’ve put on weight over the years. I’d become, or made myself, invisible through lack of self care and body language that spoke in a whisper that said, ‘nothing to see here…’. I felt a lot of body shame. Ten or 12 years ago, I was comfortable doing things like getting massages and being naked in front of other people. In fact I was a nude model for years. Somehow I lost this confidence as I moved from my mid-thirties to 40 and upwards.
I have an acquaintance, Mary, who is training to be a massage therapist. To help her with this, I booked in to have a back and shoulder massage. When I arrived today, I upgraded to a full body massage. I have not had full-on, clothes-off massage for over a decade, so this was a big deal.
(As a side note, I was proofreading and editing Stew’s massage-related post just before my appointment with Mary…)
Mary left me to undress and get onto the massage table. She came back into the room, and began by slowly and thoroughly rubbing sandalwood and orange scented oil into my back and legs. While she did this I fantasised about getting her top off to play with and suck her small tits. I imagined asking if she had any toys and making her go get them to fuck me with.
When it was time to roll over I made no effort to keep my breasts covered as I did so, but out of politeness covered up once I was settled. Mary massaged my hands and arms. I knew – really knew – that if I looked up at her and put my hand on her face that she would kiss me. As she is an acquaintance I don’t know very well, I chose not to tempt fate.
When Mary had finished with my arms, she positioned herself at my head and for a few seconds rested her hands on my tits (Did she just touch my tits? Oh yes, she did!), on top of the cover. She then proceeded to massage my shoulders, gently moving my face from side to side with a warm and scented hand.
I used all of my psychic power to will her to put those hands on my tits. I desperately wanted her to touch me and play with my nipples with her warm oily hands. Sadly, this didn’t work, and the massage was finished.
Mary left the room so that I could get dressed. I took off the blanket covering me and wiped oil from my arms across my nipples. I pulled and pinched them for a few seconds, then reached down to rub my aching clit. There wasn’t time to have a full on wank, so I got dressed, paid her and made my leave.
When I got home, I stripped down as quickly as possible. I got out my favourite big, fat Porn Star Jelly dildo and little vibrator. I got into bed, warmed some oil between my palms and rubbed it over my tits, pinching my nipples and flicking them with my thumbs.
I continued to play with my right nipple with the fingers of my left hand while I slid the dildo deep into my wet pussy. I fucked myself while alternating thoughts of being fucked by Stew and Mary fucking me with this dildo.
I took hold of the dildo with my left hand and continued to drive it in and out while I used the vibrator to buzz and tease my clit until I came. Bliss.
I am a sexual creature and am now living a sex-full life. My body is no different than it was six or eight or 12 months ago.
It’s my perception about my body that has changed, and allowing myself to be who I need to be.