Tonight my lover is with another. Because that’s what he wants and what he needs. We have agreed this is what will happen.
I keep myself busy.
I imagine lying in his bed awaiting his return, and when he comes in, I take off his shoes and undress him. Reclaim him as the curious brand of ‘mine’ that he is.
I’ve had this experience when he’s been with women I know, and I can clearly imagine them together. Tonight it’s a woman I don’t know. I imagine her as a supermodel in a short skirt who gives better head than I do. Neither is easier, I can now say.
It’s been 2-1/2 hours. Are they done yet? Have they just started?
We have talked at length about this – what it’s like when our other is with another. How it feels. Strangely – and very tangibly – it’s not jealousy. I’m not jealous of this woman. I feel I have failed. If I was more available, more exciting, or something – Stewart wouldn’t be there now. I worry she’s better than me. Maybe she can roll her pussy muscles in some exotic way. Maybe she does give better head than I do.
Four hours. Longer than I’d be with him on average. I try to read a book, give up and stare at the ceiling. I think, fuck me it’s quiet. Stewart is loud. Without him, even just as an occasional WhatsApp ping, it’s just so… quiet. It occurs to me that this is what it would be like if I didn’t have him. Like if he was no longer on the earth. My sun, my moon. Too fucking quiet.
Six hours have passed. Fuck me that’s like a whole day. Has she fed him? I hope she has. To be fair I have no idea if he is home or not as I asked him not to let me know – because ironically, I didn’t want to be calculating the hours and how many different sexual acts could have taken place in that time.
Ohhh shit… what if he spends the night? We didn’t even discuss this. I don’t know what the rule is for this. Note to self: find out what the rule is regarding sleepovers.
I love this man and it is my mission to make him happy. But this is hard. It’s uncomfortable, like waking up with a stiff neck. It’s not going to kill you, but you know it’s there.
But – this is the deal and what we signed up for. This is the adventure and the journey. We grow from discomfort.
Sometimes it’s just a bit shit.