Louis is very clever, and despite only communicating online he was intuitive, and knew exactly how to play me. Louis got into my head and under my skin in minutes.
‘Write “OWNED” on your forehead and across your tits. Take a picture and send it to me.’
So I did.
This was followed by requests for videos of me putting clothes pegs on my nipples and slapping them off, beating my pussy with a wooden spoon and then fucking my ass with a dildo while saying how grateful I was that he’d given me the chance to do these things for him.
He asked for a 1:1 cam session which I was powerless to decline.
‘Before I see you, I want you to write, “CUM SLUT” on your face. You need to be naked. Get clothes pegs, a wooden spoon, a lit candle and a dildo together. Skype me in 10 minutes.’
So I do.
I set up a tripod so he can watch and talk to me while I kneel on my bed. His video is off but I can hear his voice. It is difficult to describe Louis’s voice. As I write this months later, I can still hear it in my head – soothing, almost sing-song. Calm and steady.
‘Hello little piggy. I see you have got everything I asked for. Good little slut. First things first. Hit each tit with the spoon six times, and thank me after each time.’
I take aim and beat my tits with the spoon, wincing with each strike. After each smack I say, ‘thank you, Sir.’
In addition to what Louis has asked me to bring to the party, I also have got some weighted nipple clamps, which I put on at this point.*
‘Now, suck off that dildo.’
The dildo goes into my mouth and I give it the best simulated blowjob possible.
‘Deep throat it,’ instructs Louis.
And so I do – and when I gag he tells me I cannot stop. Tears run down my face. I am drooling. I gag and start to vomit, hold it and he says, ‘no little piggy, let it out.’
I am deep throating a glass dildo, I gag on it and vomit on myself. I sit or lie in my own vomit for the duration of the session.
My eyes are streaming. Mascara is running down my face. I have sick on my chin.
‘Look at you. What do you look like? What a little whore. Now, shove that dildo up your ass and fuck yourself.’
I have no lube. I shove the dildo up my ass and fuck myself.
‘Take it out and lick it off.’ I do.
I am meticulously clean when it comes to anal; if I had known I’d be doing this I would have given myself an enema. But of course I didn’t, and so I haven’t.
‘Show me your asshole.’
I turn my ass to the camera and spread my ass cheeks. He laughs.
‘Take the candle, and pour the wax over your tits.’
I do this, dripping wax over my nipples.
‘Cum for me.’
I lie down on the bed (on my vomit pool, on my shit stain) with my face to the camera and begin to wank.
‘I think I should pimp you out to strangers. How much are you worth?’
I completely misunderstand this question and say, ‘rather a lot.’ Then I realise he is implying that I am worthless.
He says, ‘do you think we should offer a BOGOF on you?’
‘Yes, Sir.’ I manage to whisper. I fake an orgasm. He tells me to cum again. I continue to wank.
He turns the video on from his end and suddenly his large cock is in my face, he is wanking hard.
This has my attention. I watch his hand move up and down his cock.
‘Beg for my cum, piggy,’ he says.
‘Cum for me, Sir.’
Watching him is hot. I need to see Louis cum.
‘Give me your cum, please,’ I whine.
He wanks harder. I start to pant.
He slows and stops and cum pumps from his cock.
‘Ohhh yes,’ I breathe.
Louis turns the video off.
‘Go take a shower,’ he says.
And it’s over.
I take the above picture of my bed, to capture the aftermath of what’s happened.
I shower, and as I get dressed it occurs to me how tangibly different I feel about myself after what has just happened. I feel as though I have been scraped out and made clean. Like I have had some kind of immersive baptism. I am standing up straighter. I feel stronger.
Why is this?
I have never done these things with anyone, for anyone before. This is powerful medicine. This feels like atonement, on a grand scale. Over the last 40 minutes I have paid for the sins of the past six months – or so it feels.
This has been a valuable experience. I would not want to do it again – not in this way, to this level of aggression, and with a total stranger who provides no healing aftercare. But now I know that this kind of – whatever it is – punishment, or degradation – is something I need and require.
I have a subsequent cam session with Louis. He asks me to write ‘RAPE PIG’ on my face. He tells me to put elastic bands on my breasts and snap them (this left lasting marks). Somehow the magic was gone after the first time, because I could see Louis for what he was – a bullying Dom. Not my type at all.
Louis told me that if we met (there had been a future hotel meet in the offing) he would scar me for life. I decided I didn’t really need this.
Now I have Stewart, who is the epitome of a perfect Master for me. There is force and aggression. There is some degradation and there is punishment. But there is also reward and intense pleasure.
It is the perfect balance.
* It is this that prompts this conversation with Stewart