About D/s

D/s refers to Dominant / submissive, a relationship structure and way of life. This can have many guises – there is no one type of D/s relationship, and each couple make up the rules as they go along – there is no ‘right’ way to be in a D/s relationship. Following is my take on D/s – it is how we operate within this framework.

Essentially, the dominant partner (the ‘Dom’ if it is a man and ‘Domme’ if a woman) plays the role of master, the person in control of the action, and this can be both in and out of the bedroom. The dominant partner is also a protector and caretaker for his or her sub. The dominant person should not be selfish; he or she must both take from and give to their submissive partner.

The submissive partner defers to the dominant. The dominant’s needs always come first (and it is important to note that sometimes the dominant’s need is to give the sub pleasure, it is not always about them achieving orgasm first, or at all).

It is a misconception that D/s relationships are mostly about bondage and pain (this is sadomasochism (SM, not D/s). Most D/s relationships will have a SM element – mine certainly do. I love being in a collar for my Sir. I love being blindfolded, tied up, nipples clamped. Love being spanked and beaten. This is a very important part of my relationship dynamic.

Generally speaking, I serve my partner when we are together. This not only involves sex but I will also do domestic chores, make coffee, cook, etc. (This is entirely my choice and not prescribed by my partner).

I need to be owned. I have written at length about being a sub in this post. This aspect of my relationships feeds dark places within me. It is both liberating and all-encompassing. I need to be what I am. For my partner, this is in charge, the alpha male, in control of the situation, number one above all others and everything. For me it is about being small, kept and looked after, a pet, in service and loved.

A person may be dominant sexually but submissive at work. For me it is the opposite – in the ‘real world’ I am an alpha female, I get shit done. Sexually and in a relationship I have to be owned. It is the only way it works for me. I am sure my man would say the same about his Dom role.

To each his own in all things.