Today is Fucktoy Day. There is still something broken between Stewart and I and we need to work it out.
As a fucktoy, I am silent. My voluntary movements are kept to an absolute minimum. I am to be used and most likely beaten. I have been fasting since last night.
As I drive the hour to his house I mentally prepare myself. I listen to meditation music. I do breathing exercises. In for a count of four, hold, out for a count of eight, pause. I arrive spaced out but calm.
Stew is in the kitchen. He is wearing his softest t-shirt and he takes me in his arms and holds me. He holds my face and kisses me. Tells me he loves me. Asks if I am OK. I say I am OK. He tells me to go and get ready.
I give myself an enema. I apply heavy makeup as ordered. This is not me. I can barely look at myself. I put on stockings and suspenders. I go into the bedroom.
The dressing table is covered with BDSM gear:
Stew is naked on the bed with his back to me. He is editing pictures.
‘Kneel,’ he says. I go to my knees.
With one hand he spreads his ass in invitation. I tease his asshole with my tongue and push it inside him. The red lipstick leaves a perfect O round his anus.
‘Play with my cock,’ he says. I stroke and pull it while I fuck his asshole with my tongue. This is an awkward position. I can’t breathe. He urges me to try harder. I fail.
Stewart sits up so that I can suck his cock. I look up at him. He puts a hand on the side of my face and with a firm thumb smears the lipstick across my cheek. I feel shame and ashamed for looking like this, for being a mess. This is so uncomfortable. I suck his cock and gain some comfort from knowing this is something I do expertly.
He stops me. It’s time to put my collar on. I stand with my back to him and lift my hair.
‘Too tight?’ he asks. I say it’s fine. He tells me to lie down on the bed.
‘I’m going to beat you now,’ and he does. The belt hits my ass. Then a paddle. I leave my body. I am on a beach, watching the sea. There is a boat in the distance and I focus on it.
‘Turn over, on your knees,’ I do as I am told and Stewart slides his cock into me and fucks my pussy hard. In my silence I focus on the feeling of this. It is heaven. He fits me perfectly and the pleasure is intense.
He pulls out. ‘Come to the bathroom,’ he says.
We go into the small bathroom and he lays towels on the floor. I get on my knees and open my mouth. Stew pisses into my mouth. The hot, bitter piss runs down my chin and over my tits. He continues to stream over my shoulders. The piss runs down my body, over the stockings and suspenders. It is at first hot and then cold in the unheated room.
‘You may take a shower or just dry off,’ says Stew.
I know he would rather I just dry off and so I do this, and return to the bedroom where he stands and waits.
I can’t look at him with my face like this. I go to my knees and take his cock into my mouth. I deep throat. He forces his cock to the back of my throat and I gag. My stomach is empty and the gagging is harsh. My eyes are streaming. I am drooling. I suck and gag and choke.
This is too much, and he knows it. He stops me and pulls me to my feet.
‘Put your hands in front of you.’ I do and he cuffs them. He pushes me backward and down onto the bed. He puts a large dildo in my hands and tells me to suck it while he makes me cum. I do as I’m told, in and out, running my tongue round the silicone head.
Stew is between my knees. He alternates his mouth on my clit with a small buzzy vibrator. I break my silence to moan with pleasure. I am so wet.
He pushes a large, powerful vibrator into my cunt and presses it against my g-spot. I realise I am biting down so hard on the dildo that I am going to take the head off. I take it out of my mouth but hold it in my hands, white knuckling it.
The first orgasm is deep and sweet. Normally I would have to stop now but the pressure on my g-spot holds me still.
Primal, guttural sounds come from my mouth. That buildup, that intense feeling of needing release that a g-spot orgasm brings – I am wholly in his power. The second orgasm is like a car crash, a fist against a jaw, an electric jolt. I buck and pull away from Stewart; I can take no more.
My muscles pulse and I catch my breath. Stewart lies down next to me, takes the cuffs off. He says he wants to take the collar off and I ask why. ‘Because we are done (with the fucktoy part of our session)’. I say please leave it, because he always owns me.
We finish in our usual way. I am on my knees, cock in mouth again. I alternate sucking and wanking. I need his cum, I need a mouth full, need to swallow it. He lies back on the bed and I can tell by the tensing of his muscles that he’s close. I tighten my lips round his cock and pump. He cums, a great, hot load of it surges into my mouth. I swallow and suck, finishing the job.
Over lunch Stew asks me what the worst part of today was. ‘The makeup,’ I say. ‘I hated it.’ He agrees this was the worst part, too.
And the best part? ‘The kissing, at the beginning,’ is my answer.
Our relationship is intense and often dramatic, but a perfect balance of sweet and harsh. We push each other to extremes but there is always comfort afterwards, always a safe place to land.